


Relearning How to Love

by thirtybuses



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Fluff, M/M, luv, yamaguchi growing as a person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-09
Updated: 2016-05-09
Packaged: 2018-06-07 09:06:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6797785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thirtybuses/pseuds/thirtybuses
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Yamaguchi becomes his own person and relearns how to fall in love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Relearning How to Love

**Author's Note:**

> I was sort of worried that I'd only ever write about Daisuga and Kagehina so I thought I'd write about lil Tadashi. I hope this works with the character development of the show, I thought it was just really really nice how Yamaguchi actually did something for himself and I wondered how that would affect their relationship. But let's be real I'd rather write seven essays in succession than allow Tsukki and Yamaguchi to stop loving each other.

I fell in love with Tsukishima Kei for all of the wrong reasons. Sure, he was cool, tall, intelligent and had a surprisingly adorable interest in dinosaurs, but he was also cold, had a bored aura and wasn’t particularly generous. 

I know why I fell in love with him, but I shouldn’t have. Sure I was young, like really young, but the first time I loved him was the wrong way to love him.

It was after he’d “saved” me from those bullies. That had been a big deal, somebody had actually stood up to my tormentors. Somebody had stood up _for me._ It was foreign. I wasn’t used to attention, I was told I wasn’t worth it. But here was someone who noticed me, and he was just so cool. Everyday he stacked up his cool points. I never had many friends and I was totally accustomed to the idea of myself being a loser, so when someone cool came into my life it was like…I was imperfect and he was perfect and like that we fit together. That was how I saw it. I stuck with him no matter what, because despite his flaws, I had more. And because of that, I needed him.

We grew up together, we were best friends. Everyone called me his sidekick (and I loved it). It was the best, being associated with someone as cool as Tsukki. I always wished I could be half as cool as him. 

Maybe it didn’t start off as raw love, but more like  
admiration,  
adoration,  
idolisation.

Things carried on like this for ages, up until our first year of highschool. It was sort of strange, growing up, I got to know him more than I got to know myself. I caught onto his little mannerisms, like that annoyed ‘tch’ and the way he hiccuped after his first bite of every meal (which lead to discomfort eating in front of others) and that cute glint in his eyes when he got excited about something dinosaur related. As for myself, my existence became based on pride being his closest friend and taking note of endearing things he did. My hobbies were his hobbies. My favourite colour was his favourite colour. My favourite place to eat was his favourite place to eat. It wasn’t on purpose, I made these decisions subconsciously. I just liked him so much, okay! I didn’t think for myself, I just thought of him. He invaded all of my thoughts, my dreams, my choices, EVERYTHING! I loved him! I wanted to hold his hand and make him smile.

I was the only person he was actually nice to. He used to really love his brother, back then he was so much fun to be around. We played volleyball a lot and when he bragged about his brother his eyes shone brighter than the moon. But after the incident of betrayal he shrunk into himself. I was the only one he’d talk to, obviously that made me feel special. He depended on me like I depended on him and back then that meant the world. To be honest, it sort of seemed impossible that I’d mean half as much to him as he did to me. I could only hope, grasping desperately to the breadcrumbs of friendship he left me. 

Things changed during our first year of highschool. At first things were normal, we’d hang out after volleyball practise and talk about how annoying Kageyama and Hinata were. I just laughed and accepted it all, how could I not when I felt thunder in my heart and heat under my skin? Sure when I was alone with Hinata he wasn’t so bad, but I trusted Tsukki’s judgement. He was definitely more annoying when I was with Tsukki, but I pinned that down to his disliking of Tsukishima’s brooding nature rather than my mindless acceptance of anything and everything Tsukki said. 

Then came the time I was the only first year who wasn’t selected as a starting player. If there was one thing I knew for sure, it was that I loved volleyball. That was something I had sought out before knowing Tsukki also played. The image of a helpless Yamaguchi sitting on the bench, watching as everyone else got to play on court with my best friend hurt. I was worried he’d get bored of me. He’d realise that I wasn’t actually that great. He’d ditch me for someone cooler and better at volleyball. Tsukki never acted that way though, in fact, he didn’t seem to care that he was a starting player. 

When I started to get advice from Shimada-san I thought it would be a way to prove my worth to him. On the days that my jump floater failed, all I could think about was Tsukishima’s annoyed ‘tch’. He’d see my failed serves and never want to be my friend again.

But on the days that they were successful, I didn’t think of him. My heart swelled with pride. I couldn’t help but beam and laugh out loud. I forgot all about everyone, even Shimada-san, for a while and just grinned. I felt, invincible. 

The thing is, Kageyama and Hinata were a lot like Tsukishima and I. They were treated as two halves of a whole, but then after their fight at the Tokyo training camp they were forced to realise something vital.

If they hadn’t learned the power and importance of not two halves, but two wholes coming together, I don’t think I would have either. 

It struck me as important, but not enough to rethink my relationship with Tsukki. Not until I overheard Suga talking to Daichi and Asahi as they packed up the gym.  
“It’s really nice,” he said sighing happily. Daichi hummed in response.  
“When we used to talk about Kageyama and Hinata it was like Hinata was an extension of Kageyama,”  
“What do you mean?”  
“I don’t know, I mean yeah it was a partnership, but it was more like Hinata depended on Kageyama. There wasn’t a balance,”  
“And things have changed?”  
“I don’t know! I guess, how do I put this? They fit together better now!”  
Asahi gave Suga a confused glance.  
“Do you guys seriously not get what I mean? They’re their own people! And that makes them stronger! They work together in harmony! Two different things that result in something amazing and powerful and beautiful, more beautiful than if they were one thing!”  
Suga was getting flustered and after a very long (and fond) stare from Daichi he laughed and decided they ought to get dinner. 

That night I replayed my almost fight with Tsukishima. That was the first time I had yelled at him, I wasn’t even sure what had come over me. Usually I just let Tsukki do his own thing, but some part of me yearned to tell him how amazing it felt when you succeeded by your own efforts. Sure we were a team, but teamwork involved making the most of your potential to heighten the team’s ability. When I hit that wavy serve that confused the opponents, I felt like I had truly contributed to the team. I felt like my own person. A part of me wanted Tsukki to feel the same. I don’t know, it’s weird. Being part of a team was the way I had realised the importance of individuality. My thoughts then turned to Suga’s conversation with the third years. It was true, everything he said. Even if Asahi didn’t really get it, I certainly did. I don’t really know why, but I felt the urge to cry. I couldn’t make sense of what I was feeling and instead focused on the warmth of the boy next to me. Tsukki was always warm, so so warm. I was overcome with the urge to drape my arms over him, but I didn’t. I couldn’t lose him, not then, not ever. 

I never did stop loving Tsukishima Kei. 

I just figured out that loving him didn’t have to be at the expense of being myself. In fact, the more comfortably I slipped into doing my own thing the more Tsukki opened up to me. The more we both pursued volleyball in our own ways the funner practise became. It used to be that our conversations were filled with my mindless chatter, filtering everything that he might be interested in. The naivity makes me cringe nowadays. Who would have thought that Tsukishima Kei would actually be interested in things that I was interested in?! Just because he wasn’t invested in something wholeheartedly didn’t mean I that I didn’t have to be! Who knew that Tsukishima Kei actually liked it (loved it) when I got excited for myself?! 

Who would have thought that he thought I was cool the day I learned to do things my own way? I mean, sure, that was why I had initially thought he was cool, but I had no way of knowing that would be reciprocated!!!!

I never stopped being his best friend. I never stopped hanging out with him. My heart never stopped racing. My skin never stopped burning at every touch. My dreams never stopped featuring Tsukishima Kei and I holding hands, me making him smile.

But we changed.  
We evolved.  
(btw, funny how ‘evolved’ also has the word ‘love’ in it, it’s pretty stupid but I’m a huge sap so I’ll take it.)


End file.
